My time

If I really do think about it, it makes me more irritated.  The amount of money and time spent, resources invested in correcting basketball cards instead of our education system is fucking stupid. People that play a sport get paid more than our teachers and thats why our education system fucking sucks. 

These days they push kids to the next grades because holding them back would “jeopardize the child’s social environment”. Which means they are worried how OTHER KIDS WILL MAKE FUN OF THEM! Who gives a fuck, kids will be kids, social media will always be an issue of bullies. We are focused on the wrong shit. This world is back-ass-wards if you ask me. 

An education shouldn’t be about social norms or bad ratings on the school, it should be about the child’s education level and grades. When I held my son back, I had to fight his current school and the new school he was transferring to. They saw his grades filled with zeros and the lack of trying, yet they were willing to push him through to the next grade due to the negative social impact. 

If you wondered why I have felt completely alone most of my life, it’s because over and over I have to argue, fight, explain, justify, etc my decisions, that I based on my sons choices, not ratings and social bullshit. I guess I’m still angry. 

Makes sense since I officially turned my son’s phone off for the last time. I tried to have a conversation with him about his choices and being kicked out of my mothers house. He did what he does best these days, calling me names like “dumb bitch, retarded cunt, selfish bitch”, etc. 

Even after HE walked out on me and said “fuck you, I don’t need you” in October of 2023, I’ve been paying for his phone. I’ve been hearing his crap ever since and been paying for it, not just literally but mentally and emotionally ever since. Why?? Well, now it stops completely!

Paying his phone and phone bill every month wasn’t ever enough for him. He’s mad I won’t take him back, as I told him before he left, returning was no longer an option. How can I let him back? He hasn’t changed, he’s still being enabled by many family members, he still not in school, no GED, no job, nothing but the same drama we had before. 

He’s an adult now, four months away from being 19 years old. He knows how to get a hold of me, when he wants something. I need to move on, let him figure it out and remove myself from his blame game. I see through his bullshit, I know how this turns out, and now I have to accept what does happen is out of my control. 

You know the saying “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”? Well, apparently stress can actually kill you

First week in the temp job and its nothing I expected, not bad just boring. There was supposed to be a group of 15 of us starting and only 12 showed. First thing I noticed were the times different ages showed up. I was first, like always, the next two gentlemen were next and in my age range, like 40s-50s.

The older I get, the older the crowd I would rather be in.  The younger crowd seem to not care about timely manners, dress appropriate attire, or respect for themselves at all. It shows the times they came in all week as well, some have stopped coming all together, some show up whenever its convenient for them. 

First two days was a struggle not to hear the bullshit three girls discuss that sit in front of me. I chose the next on the outside, so no one sits behind me, trust issues probably. It also happened to be next to the grouchiest older man in our group. He complains about everything while the girls are discussing nothing and everything not related to our jobs. 

The whole point of this is to approve claims and get the correct merchandise back out to the customers. I got into my rhythm within minutes of starting. As the week went on I got better and faster, doing over 300 claims a day. I know damage control and how to organize it in a way to be accurate and quick. 

I can’t see myself working here though, as its all about sports and I’m not a sports fan. This project is to correct a mistake that was made on basketball cards, you know the collections cards. I personally don’t get it, see it as a waste of money and time, but it’s just not my thing.

If you have depression, you know the struggles. I openly admit my suicidal thoughts. I even put an unloaded gun to my head just to see how it felt. Some say thats crazy, I say being quiet about it makes it more crazy. I unloaded the gun myself, yes I’ve done it before. I didn’t pull the trigger, I simply put it up my head and closed my eyes. 

I was shaking, scared and not at all at ease as I thought I would have. I get why some pull the trigger and I get why some don’t. I can tell you all the deepest darkest shit that goes through my head, but no one will truly understand, words can’t describe it. At that time, a few years ago, I didn’t want the dark to overcome me. I wanted to face it head on and say “FUCK OFF” so I could live my life. 

I accomplished it then, but this time is different. As much as my financial anxiety has me on edge every second of every day, I also see a calming end…dark and calming end. I don’t know what that means, nor can I explain it any better. Dark and calm seem dangerous and the overthinker that I am came up with a lot of “what ifs”. None seem appealing since in all hypothetical scenarios of me being just fucking hateful. I don’t mean “at times” I’m just bitchy, I am all the time to anyone.  

But every time I describe myself its helpful, caring, and opens my house to people that need it…quickly turns to hateful “where has that gotten you?” Every day is a struggle, every day is a constant push to keep pushing. Every day I get tired, I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to even try anymore. 

Then at some point after some much needed “PPP” (puff, puff, pass) I think about my purpose, the waiting game, the patient fucking game we call life. 10k will get me by for a few months. I start this 3-month contract in a few days, that might bring something better, right? 

Well, there you have it, I still have hope.

I get more and more angry every day, feel like I’m going to burst into a rage that could explode at any minute. Which drove me to reach out to Chris, my therapist the last five years. I haven’t seen him since before Matt and the kids left, Sept of 2025. All I can think about is how much I have to tell him and to get through it all. Why I‘ve waited this long, to my breaking point, is about money, but this time its about the help I need. 

Today I hired my bankruptcy lawyer and just discussing my current finances had me in tears, I could barely hold back. She knew and tried to make light conversation. I appreciated it and now even more taking me on to represent me. 

She told me I’m not the only one, there are many in worse situations than me. As much as she tried to encourage me, all I could think about was “my life line”. Filed bankruptcy, and hope they allow me to live off the 10k I have in savings. Once I completely run out of money, my plan gets pretty fucking dark.

If you haven’t seen the Famous Last Words: Eric Dane on Netflix, I highly recommend it. Some of the last words he spoke were the following that resonated with me:

“Live now, in the present”

“wander off mentally, lost in my head”

“wallowing in worry and self-pity, shame, and doubt”

”The past contains regrets, the future remains unknown”

”The present is all you have”

“Fall in love”

”find your passion, your joy”

”my work doesn’t define me, but it excites me”

”Find something that excites you”

”Find you purpose, your dream, then go for it”

”Choose your friends wisely”

”Find your people”

”Then give yourself to them”

”They just show up”

”they will help you, support you, and some will save you”

”Fight”

”faced with challenges, fight, never give up, fight until your last breath”

“resiliency, you knock me down, I keep coming back, again and again”

“fight with honesty, integrity, and grace”

“You can face hell with dignity”

Living now, in the present is not easy when the near future is so close…looking at my finances. In a way I’m looking at it as a fucking life line. Like, as soon as the money is gone…what???? What am I going to do? 

Something has to give, preferably before that happens. This waiting game is like losing myself. The person I’ve been my entire life, now becoming angrier, nonchalant attitude, and that scares me. I consider myself a decent person, flaws just like anyone. If the anger takes over, I’ll become hateful. 

Falling in love is the one I really got stuck on since he wasn’t referring to loving someone. What is my passion, my purpose, my joy? What excites me? 

Why is it so hard to find my purpose? The only reason I see is being naked, having men pay to see me naked. Even that won’t secure me financially, the way it’s going. 

I got banned from Snapchat, locked out of my TikTok and had to start all over. 

I am the worst sales person for myself. How can I promote my nakedness when I get in trouble constantly? How can I take pride in it when so many say its wrong? What else do I have to offer? Nothing, apparently. 

Choosing friends wisely sounds like a smart idea. If those friends still want to get their dick wet from me, are they still my friend? Yeah, probably not. Well, who needs friends anyways, they lie, act fake, get what they want from me and move one. 

Fighting is something I’m all too familiar with already and to be honest…I’m so tired of fighting. I’ve been fighting my whole life while I watch others around me get what they want without any fight at all.  

Well, I broke my own promise to myself, I contacted Matt. Don’t worry, he finally told me I wasn’t enough, or too much, either way he doesn’t accept me. I guess he doesn’t accept me for who I’ve become, I guess thats on me. It wasn’t something I wanted to hear, nor acknowledge it. There it is, the closure I needed to move on…..??

I no longer have “my person”, fuck, a person at all. No one that will understand, care, or just be here when I need to cry on a shoulder. I’ve been crying for days, even gave myself a migraine from crying too much. Everything is so fucked up in my life, I have literally no where to turn, there is no escape. 

I’ve finally  hit “my rock bottom” and accepted a three month contract job with a print shop. I started at a print shop in high school and became a printer myself. This makes me drown in depression even more. To think I am now completely starting over, going from $35 an hour to now $18 an hour. If that’s not the lowest of lows of my career, I don’t want to know the lowest.

Why wasn’t I enjoying this? Why wasn’t I having fun? Why is dragging me down to feel so tiny. That’s what it was, the feeling of feeling invisible, overlooked, a blip of something in a crowd. Getting to my seat and having two seats empty next to me made it worse somehow. I hated the empty space next to me, wanting anyone to fill the gap. As soon as intermission came I sat in the middle, so each side of me is an empty chair. 

To outsiders this was probably confusing, but it made the space seem less empty, also meant I could move around in my seat without annoying the woman next to me.  I enjoyed the musical so much, the music the voices, the acting, the entire thing was beautiful. At the same time, I ran out of there and came straight home and undressed. Then proceeded to reheat my mac’n’cheese and chicken nuggets and watch Schitts Creek again. 

I pretty much just sat here, acted like I didn’t just see a beautiful musical I’ve been anxiously waiting for. Nor did I think about the TikToks I wanted to make while in 1920s glam. Just shut everything in my mind off and sat with this feeling, this fucking empty feeling. I hate it, I hate feeling empty, unnoticed, overlooked, looked through like a ghost. I am a ghost to some people. 

Accepting my life, as it is, will take time. Being completely alone in a state I didn’t grow up in has its advantages. The 12 years I‘ve been in Texas and haven’t really seen much at all, its about damn time I do! This Saturday is The Great Gatsby Musical, I got myself a new dress for it and everything! This is what I want, what I like, and what I want to do on my own. This is a great opportunity to find people with similar interests, step out of my comfort zone and enjoy the unknown. 

There are days I won’t get out of bed, times I will cry myself to sleep, times of loneliness that will feel like drowning. I’ve been there, done that, many times before. This time is different because I have no one expecting anything from me, except to pick myself back up and keep going. I’ve been doing it my whole life, this time is no different!

Today was supposed to be a great day, it’s The Great Gatsby Musical! I bought myself a ticket over a month ago and have been counting down the days. I even splurged a bit and bought two dresses especially for it. Both were red and would look perfect with my black strappy heels. One was like a classy evening/cocktail dress and the other was the classic 1920s flapper dress with headband, gloves, pearl necklace and a cigarette extender. 

Both dresses fit perfectly, it was weird and hardly ever happens. I honestly thought neither would fit and I would just find something I already had. I went with the classic red and black flapper dress, the whole glam of it. Before I left I felt confident, sexy, excited to have a great day. The drive there went slow, taking in the surroundings was nonexistent, just forward motion of going into a building. 

Matt has been “my person” since the day we met, one of the strongest connections I‘ve ever made. I sit here and can still remember all the great times we had, with the kids, friends, and family. I will always cherish those memories, but now I have new memories to make. This will be my final chapter with Matt. 

Sparky, 

I no longer need to understand the why. Our time together was great, mostly. Loving you taught me that connections can be real, to align with someone you never thought could happen. To have deep conversations with “your person” but you can’t rely on them. You have a completely different life than I need in my life. As you saw on my dating profile, I’ve done the single mom thing, the wife and mother thing, and the family/step-mother thing with you. I still need to do the me thing, whatever that is, I will figure it out without you. 

I loved you in a way that changed me. I said it before but never fully committed to “It’s my time”. Pulling me back in these past few months has been extremely hurtful, but maybe necessary. I don’t need the why, I don’t need apologies, I needed you to choose me just once. I forgive you so I hope you can forgive me for choose myself. 

Paxton, 

You are a great son, a great friend, and a hard worker. You will be a great man and hope you fulfill your dreams. You are loved, thought of, and will always be one of my kids. Don’t let others’ negativity bring you down to their level, be the positive leader and pull those bitches up to your level, or just let them go. Don’t force it, it only helps if THEY want the help. Remember to never forget how sweet and thoughtful you are, don’t ever lose that. Make sure you always push yourself for more, to want more out of life. I love you Paxy!

Mason, 

We didn’t really get to know each other as much as I did with your brother and sister, and I’m sorry about that. I always felt the same way about you, as one of my kids. You were a hard nut to crack, very conservative, and very much a loner….in the beginning. It was a pleasure watching you come out of our shell, feel comfortable enough to be yourself. I’m sure you avoid your feelings as much as you did before, I have some respect for that. Be open to options, be open to new and scary shit, because it may be the best time of your life. I love you Mason!

Prestyn, 

I met you when you were eight and your birthday party was at my house. Our relationship blossomed as fast as your dads and I did. You’re so much like your dad, similar personality, same humor, same dark side for movies and crime, same spontaneous and adventurous attitude. You have grown some much over the past few years and hope you act more like it. You never did get away with anything with me, because you knew you couldn’t. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Make sure to set a goal for after school, it comes quicker than you think. Push yourself to work hard and be independent!! You were the daughter I always secretly wanted. I’ll cherish our memories forever and ever, “I promise”. I love you Princess Brat!

This week has given me more hope, lets say, as my pain has been reduced tremendously! I started decompression therapy this week! Only three treatments and the pain and pressure have gone from a pain level of 8 to a 6!! 

Genesis Neck & Back in Rowlett, if you are in extreme pain and can’t have surgery, this is another option I recommend. 

I personally don’t have the health insurance, the money, or anyone to help me recover. I don’t see that as sad, as some of you may, I see it as I don’t have anyone I can trust. Now that may be sad, but I am where I am today because of trust and respect are long fucking gone for me. 

I’ve taken the steps to file for bankruptcy, day by day and I get some of the “to do” list I was given by my lawyer. There’s a lot of work to prove that I’m broke. You would think the whole unemployment for 14 months would be enough, but no. 

This isn’t what I want to do, to be stuck in this apartment for the next 3-5 years until my credit is somewhat better. But, I put myself here, helping everyone else while I drown in bills, debt, collection agencies, etc. 

I completed the to-do list for the lawyer and decided to go dark again, as is social media. It’s doing nothing for me but distracting me from myself. I watch people live their lives, even if it is fake, they have a life at minimum.