My time

As soon as I walked inside, I immediately broke into tears knowing I will never see him again. That was Dave, he ghosted people, he ghosted his own brother and he was going to ghost us. I thought maybe since I had been his longest relationship, that fact we were married for almost seven years, and my son called him “dad”, he might not have. Dave did what Dave does best, run away and ghost the people that were in his life. 

It didn’t bother me to be ghosted, I get it for me, he didn’t listen and that was on him. At first, Treyson was happy we were free from Dave’s expectations and now no longer his disappointments. As time went on, Trey really missed him, missed having a dad around, missed saying the word dad, once again. Even today, years after the divorce, Trey still wants Dave in his life. Dave was the only “dad” he’d known, he chose Dave just as much as I did. 

Dave knew about Tyler and his absenteeism due his drug addiction. Dave and Tyler met once right before we moved to Texas. Dave always worried Tyler would come back into our lives. I wasn’t worried, I was convinced he would overdose or go to prison. You may be thinking, “damn, that’s harsh”, but you’ve never seen him on drugs. It was about two years after we moved from Illinois to Texas when Tyler went to prison, the first time anyways. 

During the time Tyler was locked up, he wrote me two letters. The first was was blaming Jordyn for he drug addiction, it was never his fault, always someone else’s. He always  blames everything on anyone but himself. He can thank his mother for that, she’s been enabling him from the start and to this day still does, while also enabling my son. We will get to that part later.

February 3rd, 2021 – Finalized Divorce with Dave

December 30th, 2020

Two days after Dave left, I woke up with so much anger I had to burn my energy somehow. I did just that, with all of Dave’s items. I got boxes down from the attic, got packing supplies and started in our room and bathroom. I had all his clothes, shoes, everything out of the closet, boxed up and in the garage. Once the closet and bathroom were packed, I still had so much anger and started wrapping his furniture I knew he would want. I even put bubble wrap around his dresser, desk, night stand, etc. By Saturday night, I had everything of his packed I knew he would take or want. I took a picture of all his stuff in the third bay garage and sent it to him with no words. 

He called me probably six times before I finally answered, he’s crying asking me what that stuff was, that I can’t be doing this to him now, blah blah. I told him that I was really done, I have tried and put all I could into us this past year, while he drank, played video games, and verbally abused me and Trey and I was not taking it anymore. I told him I would file the divorce papers Monday, which I did. 

Again, everything went smoothly, Dave didn’t come back until we got the house sold and he came with his dad to get his stuff and his dogs. I left work knowing Dave was at the house packing up for the last time. I wanted to see him, I wanted him to tell me he would change, that we were worth it. I wanted to still love him, I wanted to “want” to stay and keep trying. If I could just look into his eyes one more time. 

When I looked into his eyes, they were distant, disconnected, lost. I wrapped my arms around him one last time, and he whispered in my ear, “I didn’t know it was this bad, I‘m sorry”. I just stood there, watched him walk away, then drive the U-Haul away.

Dave snapped more and more often, mostly about Trey not doing or doing something he didn’t like, or he accused me of cheating constantly. I don’t know exactly when during COVID he changed, but the drinking got out of hand. I finally told him the drinking was a problem, but that didn’t stop him. I stopped picking it up on my way home from work, thinking that would stop him. Of course not, that was a good enough reason for him to leave the house, but for no other reason.

I would come home to ten or twelve empty beer bottles sitting on the counter when I got home from work. I didn’t work late, it was five in the evening. So, by the time I got home Dave was already drunk, some times in a good mood, but most of the time in a bad mood. His mood didn’t get any better while “World of Warcraft” came out. Some video game he played years before and they updated it. This also became an issue, even for his job not that he would admit.

I had to travel for my job out west and I was excited and nervous to leave Trey with Dave. There were times I had locked me and Trey in our guest room while Dave threw his tantrum.s He would scream and yell “you’re white trash, you will never be anything without me”, or “you’re such white trash as your family, go back to where you came from”. Those weren’t even the nastiest things he would say about me and my family. 

Six years was long enough to know how things will turn out, but I was determined to keep our family together. I tried for the next year, while divorce papers sat in my desk at work. I threatened to leave, he would tell me to leave, but it was all talk. 

As COVID is slowing down, Dave decides he needs a break from us and goes to Alabama to visit his parents. He left in the beginning of July and stayed the whole month.

We didn’t talk the first two weeks, I was enjoying the time without him, Trey and I both did. When he got back, I thought the drinking would slow down if not stop, no way he was drinking that much in front of his parents. Unfortunately, the drinking didn’t change, it got worse. So much worse, our Thanksgiving in 2020 was one for the books! 

Dave and Treyson were always hyperactive playing video games or whatever. Anytime they got along was a blessing for me. Dave and I made friends with a few neighbors and it really started feeling like we belonged there. That was until Dave caused the biggest and stupidest scene ever. 

Our neighbors from two doors down were similar to our personalities. Mike was a body builder, as a hobby, while his wife Kristin was a stay-at-home mom. They had one boy and one girl close to Treyson’s age. The kids got along and us parents got to party. We tried to party anyways. This wasn’t the first time we hung out with them, but it was the first time we drank all day and all night with them. 

As the night went on, Trey wanted to go home and chill playing video games. So I ordered pizza for us all at Mike and Kristin’s. I took some pizza to Trey and checked on him and the dogs. I got back to the adults when Dave said that the music sucked, I asked Mike if I could play some music, thinking it was a compromise for Dave. I turned on some music, oldies but goodies, Mike and Kristin liked the music but Dave gave a big sigh. I walked him down the driveway asking what was going on with him. He was clearly drunk and the asshole had replaced Dave, which I had no idea. 

Dave proceeded to tell me that the music was stupid and he didn’t want to stay. I told him that we were listening to his music but the three of us didn’t like rap as much as he did. We were listening to all kinds of different music. Once I put my music on it became a problem, so with my liquid courage, I told him “too bad, go home party pooper”, hoping he would laugh and loosen up a bit. That did not happen, not even close. He yelled “fine, fucking go have fun without me”, and I knew then he was gong to snap if I didn’t walk away.

Dave was Italian/Mexican and his temper did not disappoint. I saw the temper he had and I ignored it. Prior to us moving, we went to meet my dad at the local bar in my small town. We ended up finding a table and it was packed with a band. We were having a good time, so I thought. When the bartender, Megan, I grew up with, was the only one there and looked stressed. I decided to help clean off some of the tables, literally just throwing empty bottles in the trash and glasses on the bar for her to wash and reuse. 

I got a few tables cleaned off and took some glasses up to her and she thanked me. By the time I got back to the table, Dave was gone. I was enjoying the band and a few friends when dad told me that Dave had left. I was confused, asked him why, he said he didn’t like seeing me clean the tables. I looked at my dad thinking this was a joke and he was really in the bathroom. It was not a joke, he walked back in the bar just then, so I got up and grabbed more bottles off another table. He gave me a look that made me want to throw a bottle at his head. He walked up all pissed off and said, “I didn’t come out with your dad to watch you work for free”. I tried to explain that the bartender was a friend and just wanted to help her out. He didn’t care, didn’t even try to listen to my reasoning. So, I walked away when he wouldn’t listen to anything I said. I told him to leave if he couldn’t calm down and just talk to me. 

He left and that’s when I should have walked away forever, but then again, I‘m glad I didn’t. This was only maybe six weeks of us dating. So, I sat and stewed for a few hours. Dad and I talked about it and he said, “Ash, don’t let something so stupid stop you from loving him, if you love him, go to him”. That’s exactly what I did, as soon as I knocked on his door, Dave opened it crying. He explained that I was “too good” for these small-town people, that I deserved better. He was my knight and tempered prince. 

Things went so smooth the next six weeks that we got married, exactly three months from the day we met. We eloped at our local courthouse; we had it scheduled a week in advance. We got all the paperwork, even the custody papers completed. Nothin was stopping us! We were so stupid in love, we both jumped with both eyes closed. 

The transition went well; I had the house in order the first week we moved in June. By August, Trey started school and I was itching to get back to work. Not working the 5 months to get the house sold, buy a new house, and move did really well for us. The whole thing seemed too good to be true.

You ever get that feeling of the other shoe about to drop? I did all the time, but never expressed it, superstitious of it coming true. The first few years were blissful, not perfect as we all had to learn to live with each other. Once we bought our “forever home” I thought we would be living like other people I’d envy on social media. We were financially comfortable, so much that we had no debt but the house, pool and cars. I could go shopping anytime I wanted, and spend whatever money I wanted. I never did spurge, but I did go out “shopping” for nothing a lot at the end. I didn’t realize it then that working and “shopping” kept me away from the house. I enjoyed the quiet, honestly I still do! 

My life in Texas was going to be great, better than great! I had so much hope and love for our little family, Dave, me, Treyson, Loki, Louie (dobermans). You could say we did have some great years, it’s the ending that sticks with us. It’s never the positives we remember, always the bad. The first few years we did great. We got Dave out of student loan debit and credit card debit. We bought our “forever home” with a pond and we installed an in-ground pool. We had it all…until COVID. 

I don’t know how to describe it, but people changed, tons of people. There were so many suicides during COVID, the loneliness, the jobless, the fear of infection, etc. We all changed in some way or another, good or bad, we all changed during COVID. Two years of our lives locked down, the world divided, the fear instilled in us, and some of us didn’t make it. 

The divorce rate during and after COVID was the highest in record years. Why? Because we got locked in our homes, pushed with fear, everyone having their opinions. Work was harder for everyone, some even lost their jobs. You could include me, but that’s not as honest, and we will get to that. 

Like I said, COVID changed us all. Dave no longer wanted us in his life. He will say he tried but Treyson going through puberty during COVID… that’s what “did him in”. Treyson was home schooled and Dave worked remote. They both got to stay home all day while I got to go to work. I loved that job, loved my boss, the loved the owners, everything about it, did I mention I loved that job. Anyways, during my job, I would get multiple calls from Dave and Trey, arguing over something, everything. I felt like I had two kids around the same age arguing like I did with my brothers when we were younger. This was a grown ass man and an asshole pre-teenager bouncing off the walls. (Yeah, I called my son an asshole, all teenagers are!)

Dave and Trey got along the first five years, Trey was ages seven to twelve years old. Dave’s maturity level was pretty much the same as Treyson’s age, which I should have realized prior. Dave did teach him how to ride a bike, throw a football, landscaping, play video games, and, my personal favorite……how to be verbally abusive.

Anyways, while my grandparents are down in Mexico trying to save my grandmother. My parents, Uncle MJ, and Aunt Courtney all made plans to go down to Mexico to visit their mom during treatment. Something had come up and apparently my mother made the decision to wait for the next coming weekend to visit. The original weekend they planned to visit was unfortunately the weekend my grandmother had a heart attack and passed away. 

This was back in the 1980s, if you died in Mexico you were buried there. My grandfather refused to leave my grandmother down there alone. He put her in the back seat of the car. He drove her across the border with a blank over her, telling them she’s ill and tired. When he finally made back in our hometown, my grandmother’s body was swollen and not recognizable. 

This is supposedly when my mother’s issues became extreme. She blames herself for not being there for her mom. I don’t know the relationship my mother and her mother had, so I will never truly understand how she feels. At the same time, my mother’s brother and sister were functioning fine to the outside, why couldn’t she?!

It’s about acceptance, accepting our trauma, accepting the things we can not control. Acceptance is not easy, but avoiding it is so much worse. My mother became a hoarder, she had a path to her bed. She has many other little things, like her obsession with pens and counting her steps. The hoarding was an issue for my dad, and later for me, but now just her, JT and Trey’s problem.

Back when my parents were together my mother got a laptop and started sitting out in the living room while on it. This was a change from always being in her bed watching TV. This became an issue for me since I would come home to a pile of essentially trash next to her chair. This would pile up in just a day, all with my brother and his girlfriend cooking and making messes was just too much for me. 

My mother had been seeing a therapist since her mother passed away in 1987. I believe she has seen the same therapist all these years, most of the time she would go twice a week. To my knowledge, therapy is for trauma situations that help you accept and move on. That is, if you are 100% honest with your therapist. You only need them after for the triggers that come up. 

My mother dedicated her whole life to lies, manipulation, drama. I removed myself from the drama, the lies and the manipulation. But it wouldn’t be the last of her scams!

At a young age of 19, I have been questioning everything about myself. Who could be my biological father? What was he like? You are sitting there like, “bitch you took the DNA test with Rod and told us it was negative”. Well, turns out the results were negative, but Rod wasn’t the only potential one, besides my dad that raised me. Turns out there was more than just Rod that she cheated on my dad with. I still respect my dad on his wishes not to do a DNA test with him. From his point of view, if it comes back negative how will it change us? Will it change how he feels about me, will he be angry towards me, unintentionally? These questions will never be answered, fortunately for him. 

My mother’s stories became clear to me that she had no idea who could be my biological father and shes really didn’t care how that affected me. She knew Rod wasn’t and her plan with him failed. She had her next victim lined up and ready, this time she gets what she deserves. She ended up marrying JT at the Christian Church we grew up in. I refused to take part as I could care less about either of them. 

My mother married a man that left his wife alone to fight cancer only to die alone. Here my mother thought she was going to live this luxurious life. Well, today I can say that her life is nothing but pain, sorrow, negative, and sad. If you don’t believe in karma, you may after reading this!

Let’s get into my mother’s issues, there are many so we will hit just a few. My mother lost her mother when I was only two years old. This is a very dramatic and tragic story, bare with me. From the stories I’m told, my moms mom, my grandmother, got cancer and tried all kinds of treatments that were FDA approved in the US. Apparently, my grandfather, lets call him Irv, wasn’t going to give up and researched more about treatments down in Mexico, even though they weren’t FDA approved, he was desperate to save her.

I remember a time we pulled up to my grandparents house and telling them goodbye. I remember because we just got there but telling them goodbye and lots of crying. This memory of mine is probably the day they left for Mexico. I only have two memories of my grandmother, that day and one other during some holiday. I was sitting on my grandmothers lap giggling and eating pickles in her kitchen. My mom walked in and saw us, put her hands on her hips, and said “what do you two think you are doing?” My grandmother laughed and squeezed me saying “we’re in trouble now”. That was it of my memory, but it makes me smile every time I think about it. 

My mother must be the subject of everything; she must have the spotlight on her no matter what. I came to realize that my mother was jealous of me, had always been jealous of me. Jealousy can be nasty emotion and will turn people into a something completely different. Did you know this is actually common for narcissist mothers? Look it up, there are tons of research on it! 

My mother was not just jealous of me; she was jealous of anyone getting attention other than her. This was true at Nick and Ambers wedding and wasn’t going to be any different at Amber’s funeral. My mother made some kind of speech at Nicks wedding; I didn’t hear it since I left as soon as I heard her voice off the speakers. 

Amber’s funeral wasn’t different, but I was going to do my best to control her impulsive drama. Oh, she started right off the bat, walked in and sat behind my dad. It wasn’t an issue until she tried talking to him and he walked away, which gave her a reason to make a scene. I heard my mother say “why can’t you talk to me?,” to my dad as he walked away. I immediately grab her and pulled her into a back room, telling her this wasn’t about her, it was about Amber and Nick and not to make another scene or I would make her leave. She stayed in there a while to calm down and finally came out and sat back down. I was hoping she learned and would stay quiet, I should have known better. As the minister said “would anyone like to say anything” my mother grabbed her opportunity in front of everyone. She walked up, grabbed the mic, and said a prayer. My brother and I had to sit there and let it go to not make more of a scene. I knew he was pissed; he was at the wedding too. I didn’t bring it up, no one did, it’s like we all wanted to act like it didn’t happen. 

These things happened all the time with my mother. It always has to be about her, negative or positive, didn’t matter. You are probably wondering why does all this matter, well, it does matter to the daughter who was raised by a jealous narcissistic mother. I’m a forty year old woman that has drive to want to help everyone but herself. You could say I‘ve been lost my entire life, not knowing who I really am. When you’ve been lied to your entire life, how can you know who you truly are? 

I remember Amber calling me telling me shes pregnant and how excited her and Nick were to have another baby on the way. I was so excited and sad that I wasn’t going to be there like I was before. What none of us expected, Amber got diagnosed with breast cancer and the doctors advised her to terminate the pregnancy so she can get chemo and radiation. Amber, just like I would have, refused to terminate the baby. She knew the risks and she took it anyways. For that, I will have the most respect and love for my sister-in-law that brought her beautiful son to this world! 

Nick and Amber fighting her cancer and taking care of the kids 3 years after Carson was born. Until March of 2017, three years after I moved to Texas, got a called from my brother with bad news. Amber was in the hospital due to having a seizure. I took a flight up to visit and get the details on next steps. Doctor came to tell us the cancer had spread to her brain and will need to go home on hospice. This news crushed all of us, we didn’t want to believe it. I came home while she was still in the hospital. About a week went by when I got a late call from Nick, I couldn’t understand a word he was saying expect “I need you here” and that’s all I needed. I left the next morning, leaving my family, my job, my school, everything to be with my brother and sister-in law. Thankfully, my professors, boss, son and husband were understanding, like they had a choice. 

I spent the next week taking care of Amber, the kids, the house, whatever I could help with. I even made dinner one night for everyone. After the first few days of being there I knew I needed to get started on Amber’s arrangements for when she does pass away. Nick was not going to be able to think clearly and I wanted to help him through this. I made calls and appointments to speak with everyone about Amber’s visitation and funeral arrangements. Amber’s family found out and was angry at me for ‘‘wanting her dead” but they were in denial and I was helping my brother for the after effect. That day came 3/31/17 Amber passed away in my brothers arms just after midnight. 

During this time, I found out that something happened between my mom and Amber. I never really got all the information, but I knew how my brother felt about my mother and him NOT allowing her to speak at Ambers funeral. He also requested she not give a speech at his wedding, but that didn’t stop her nor would this.