My time

Suicidal thoughts run through my head multiple times a day. I am at my lowest, fuck I hope this is my lowest, but I hear rock bottom has a basement. I have under $200 in my checking account, $23 in my savings, my mortgage hasn’t been paid, and I still have to hustle before I start my job. 

Even then, that job is not promised, no job is. So, I could get this job, after 30 days they could let me go, and then what? That’s where it gets dark, lonely, giving up is the only answer. Reaching out to people is not the answer, because it’s been proven over and over that I can’t trust anyone. I am on my own, I guess I always have been really, just didn’t realize it. 

Raising my son was a struggle with my family and his dads. Proof is where he’s at today, enabled by my mother and Tyler’s mother. I always had people against me, instead of encouraging me, or any kind of support was just too much for them. I’ve been fighting with people all my life, I‘m exhausted, I’m tried of fighting for people that won’t fight for themselves. I’m done being the one that just brushes it off my shoulders. 

Last night I realized that Matt still owes on his phone and watch and since he didn’t accept the responsibility with AT&T, it’s left with me to pay. Well, I still had access to Matts credit card and decided to look into what he’s been spending. He took I assume the cunt on a shopping spear to JC Penny, $300 charge, then another $400 charge. That one I have to look up, you know what it was? It was a $400 cage for guinea pigs. 

That set me off in a rage, I sent both his moms a message on Facebook letting them know Matt owes me money. Just like before, I get no response. So, I decided I‘m going to be as petty as them. I made a virtual card of his credit card and changed the automatic payments to be paid by Matts virtual credit card. Now, he will eventually catch on and probably cancel the card. Until then I plan on making him pay for the phone bill until his phone and watch are paid in full. (Side note, nothing was charged and never got my money for the phones)

People love to watch you after knowing you and then no longer knowing you. They like to watch, make their own assumptions about you, create stories, and talk about you like they still know you. People love to judge, especially family, and my family is no different. Part of me is asking why I’m even here, what’s the point of all this? I am currently in so much pain that I can’t physically do anything I want to do. I would love to go hiking, get out of this house and do anything. 

My life is at a stand still and it makes me think that maybe all this patience is for nothing. I’m about to start a job in a few days, I want out of this house asap, but I need the financial support of the house being sold. Is it greedy to want to start completely over, fresh start, no bills, no owing my dad money, no sacrificing for others? I want as much as I can get out of this house that had so much potential for so many people and in the end, did nothing for me. 

I now hate this house, I hate seeing what could have been as I sit here in all the emptiness and loneliness of what could have been. Another emotional stage, before there was anger, specifically at Matt and his family. Then there was the hope of something better, finding myself in this life I haven’t technically lived, just existed. 

Now comes the doubt, the fear of a life all alone. Even friends I’ve made while in Texas, I don’t have a friend that I can trust fully anymore. 

Thinking back to all the years, how I’ve opened up to people hoping to gain their trust, but ultimately lose myself in the process. How is it that I can be the most honest person I have ever been and be so alone? 

I guess people really do hate hearing the truth. 

I‘m just trying to “go with the flow”, letting things happen as they come. 

Patience is a virtue and I’m nervous as hell. No job, soon to be no home, no actual income, no future plans, nothing. I literally sit here and wonder what my life will be after this. How will it change me? Will it change me for better or worse? Will I feel this hate towards dating forever? The good thing is, I get along with men more than women. Women love to bitch over and over. Men like to talk about anything else than being bitched at. 

I can take jokes from men, dirty and sexual, doesn’t matter to me. You could put me in a bar full of men, different kinds, and I would have more fun there than in any kind of group with women. Men are more spontaneous, adventurous, outgoing, and honest. Not when you’re in a relationship with them, but as friends. I’ve had tons of guy friends growing up. Dusty was probably the first best friend but he kinda went off the rails and I’m not sure what happened to him. Then there were my brothers friends, Gabe. I got my dog, Mya, from him, had to give him a handjob for her but she was worth it. 

Some people would think that’s degrading and inappropriate but who cares? He got a hand job and I got my dog! I realized a long time ago that men can be manipulated easily by women. My mother trained me well, but I never saw an interest in it. Maybe it was from watching my dad all my life? Not sure, but even now I would consider myself a tease, but very brutally honest with men as well. There’s not an “unspoken game” with me, you get what you get. I don’t hold back, like I ever have. 

I have noticed my family, that no longer speaks to me, is constantly viewing my Facebook and SnapChats, etc. It’s funny how they “don’t care” but love to watch. I suspect Matt and his family will do the same. 

Now that I think of it, Matt and his family are……LIKE MY FAMILY. 

Fuck me, they love the drama, all of them! They thrive on drama, they live for drama and gossip. Well, it’s a good thing for them, I don’t care if they watch. They can watch me, watch me live my life how I should have years ago. They can watch me transform into, well, whatever I’m supposed to. I’m trying to be more open and allowing things to just happen for me. We will see and I guess so will they!

What’s funny is now some people from years ago are coming back and telling me, yes ME, what is best for me. How the fuck do they know what’s best for me? They couldn’t be there for me before, why would I believe they could be here for me now? 

My mother, for instance, calls and texts me asking why we aren’t talking. I don’t care what her memory is like, she knows! She and I talked prior to Trey moving in with her, I specifically told her if she allowed Trey move in with her that our relationship was over. Now she wants to know why we haven’t talked in over a year? Fuck You!

She also has the audacity to tell me “going dark is not the answer”. You know who else said that to me? Tyler, when he called to tell me to be a mom to our eighteen year old son with no degree, no job, no motivation while living with my mother. 

I can’t predict the future, but I do know that people don’t change. If they actually wanted to change, they would have but it’s easier to go back to how things were, its comfortable, but not safe. 

When did it become “okay” to not be okay? When did the world change and where the fuck was I when this happened? How is it that people live with themselves after the things they’ve done to people? How do people sleep knowing they hurt another soul on this fucked up world? What’s really crazy is that strange men on SnapChat have helped me more in a week than most men in my entire life. I’ve had offers to go live with them, to travel with him, to just be available for conversation. 

Even after the money and pic exchange, there’s conversation, updates on our lives. All kinds from sixty years old to twenty four years old. Some have good jobs, some retired, some just want a friend to discuss things with. Kyle and I got into a discussion last night, of course his mind was else where, but he was still supportive of me. He has no idea who the fuck I am, but is willing to take to time to talk to me when I couldn’t sleep. 

Of course, he is hoping for more and I’ve already told him it’s never going to happen. That’s true but for every man! I am so mad and hateful towards love and relationships that I want nothing sexual at all from anyone! Ok, maybe not anyone, more just men, women definitely have more of a chance than ever before!

Hit me up ladies!! 🙂

Things I do for others but what others are not willing to do for me is mind blowing. 

I think back to all the people I helped, just in this house alone. Most of them kids, but a few men that were “at their lowest” and needed someone. Where are they now? I can tell you where they are, where they all were before I met them. Nothing has changed, they didn’t want help, they wanted a free ride, just like my son and niece. They did a complete 360 and went back to the same shit. 

For instance, Matt is back with his ex-wife and his family and friends all accept this. Why, you may ask? That’s the biggest fucking question!! They all accept Matt’s word, which to me means nothing. Matt SAYS he’s not back with her, but stays at her house. He says its for the kids, but I’ve been listening to that bullshit lie for over two years now.

This is another reason I had to walk away, not only from Matt, but the kids, his family and friends. They believe what they want, I can see with my own eyes what the truth is. I’m tired of always pointing out the struggles of people, see their potential and try to help them. 

Everything I do or say falls on deaf ears, no one cares to listen. 

It’s been two weeks since Matt and the kids left. It’s been a week since they came and took everything out of the house. I do mean everything, all the dishes I had from my marriage, all the furniture I bought for the living room, our room and the kids rooms, etc.

The motivation I have to clean and get the house ready is torture. Just being in this empty house once again drives me to want to give up. This morning I drove around aimlessly just thinking about what the fuck I’m going to do. Still nothing, but I did decide to cut all ties from Matts friends and family. I was only going to speak to Meagan and Lynda, the ones I thought I could trust even if Matt and I split for good. 

Megan was Matts friend, she married his best friend from school. I had tried to call her after I’d been ignoring her. The first thing she says is “he’s not getting back with (the cunt), but they need to talk for the kids”. This was a trigger and I couldn’t hold back. I called to get support, to talk to someone about my feelings. I then had to make the decision to completely cut all strings to Matt. 

Lynda was like the mother I always wanted. She had the best mom hugs of all, those I will miss more! She is family to Matt, she will never be able to support me in the way I need. So, I had to cut ties with her as well, after another disappointing call to her. This was not easy, but I have to do what is right for me. I know if I continue the relationships, I will never get over Matt and the kids. 

Tomorrow Matt and the kids are to get the rest of their stuff I had put in the garage. I plan on keeping the garage door open all day. By 3pm, I plan to drag anything they left and set it at the curb. I wish I didn’t have to take anything with me at all, but I’m so broke I’m sending nudes for money on SnapChat to keep my account above negative. 

People used to make comments about my lack of emotions. I can only imagine what my life will be like once I get back on my feet. I know I need to keep to myself, I still have the habit of wanting to help. 

I need help, from myself, not from anyone else. I need to be here for “me” moving forward. That is when life for me will be worth it! Not saying my life wasn’t worth it prior to now, more like “lessons learned”. I know I deserve more, I deserve to be treated better, I deserve a better life than what I’ve been living. I have been living for everyone else, being there for everyone else. 

Who’s been there for me? Guiding me? Helping me? Pushing me to keep going? Who was there for me at my worst? Me……only ever me. 

It’s time I start doing things for me, not for anyone else, just for me. Pamper myself, and not the way I’ve been doing it for years. I deserve an actual spa day, a massage without quilt, time to feel good about myself! 

For today, I take day by day, literally. I’m cleaning, painting, packing away to sell my house. That’s as far I got with my plans. Why, you may ask, because I’ve always been a planner. I’ve always been in control, or so I thought. I was never in control, I was under their control. I only worried about their needs instead of my own. Somehow that is going to change! 

So, hang in there with me on this fucked up journey of mine, it’s no way near the end!

Some couples have arguments about the kids, money, or stupid shit. What did we fight about? His ex-wife, nothing more nothing else, just the dumb cunt not leaving us alone. 

Mind you, my son left, my niece left, and today Matt and the kids left. I allowed myself to completely depend on a man, trusted that I would be taken care of no matter what. 

That wasn’t true and I found out the hard way! Just because someone breaks you, doesn’t give them the right to keep doing it. After writing about my life, I realized I have trauma over and over again. They all have the same thing in common, me putting myself last and allowing myself to be put in that situation. 

Once again, here I am in an empty house. This time I‘m completely starting over, not even sure what that looks like. I do know one thing, I‘m no longer forgiving, no longer helping others! 

From now on, it’s about me and me only! 

I guess you can say I do have a type in men, addicts. Tyler is a drug addict, Dave was an alcoholic, and Matt is addicted to his manipulative narcissistic ex-wife. 

Matt may or may not know he manipulated me. For example, I explained that he was just like the others, making me have to leave him. Meaning, I had to make the decision to leave and not want to. I have had to do that with every man I was in love with, Tyler, Dave and now Matt. They weren’t in a position to be in a relationship and instead of walking away, or get the help they needed, they stay and torture me. They knew their issues, I told them and also tried to help them. 

None of them took the effort to try, they talked the talk but wouldn’t walk the walk.

Call me selfish, call me whatever you want, how about just don’t call me at all.

Cutting people out of my life has been easy, simple, stress reliever actually. I don’t care who you are, my mother, son, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, whatever. 

If you don’t bring positivity into my world, you no longer belong in my world. 

It may get lonely in the beginning, but lonely is better than being manipulated. Not everyone knows they are manipulating others, like kids pick up on it, try it and if it works they will keep doing it. As they grow older, they should learn that honesty is better than just getting your way, at least I did not sure how exactly.

For example, Mason is fourteen and waited until the last minute to do his project. He came to me right before bed for “my help”. I had seen Matt “help” him last year with his projects and knew this was a manipulation tactic. I do believe a fourteen year old knows how manipulation works, he’s been watching his mother manipulate everyone around her his whole life.

All three kids have that manipulation personality, that doesn’t come on its own, it’s taught. 

When I say it’s taught, I mean that you choose to be manipulative as you get older. Matts boys are old enough to understand and see it, but they still try it on me. What they don’t see is how it affects me personally. Having to tell Mason “no” gave me an anxiety attack. I had asked him in the beginning of the week if he had homework, he said no. For him to bring it to me right before bed the day before its due, while his dad wasn’t home, meant he forgot or thought I would do it for him. I stood my ground and told him no, in reality I was saying “no, I’m not allowing you to manipulate me into doing your project for you.” 

But why should we get into Matt and his kids? He literally just moved out two days ago with no explanation. Let’s back up a bit and explain in detail how I saw all the signs and ignored them, I guess that’s my thing. (Insert eye-roll here) Matt was, and still is, being controlled by his ex-wife, the cunt. No, I refuse to mention her name, she’s not worth mentioning by name so I can refer to her as “cunt”. For the next two and a half years, Matt and I try to have a life and family, we loved each other, or so I thought. 

Everyone saw the bullshit for years, instead of his family and friends telling him to get out, focus on the kids not her, they told him what he wanted to hear. Matt can only commit to his family and nothing more. He’s as petty as his mother, blinded as much as his stepmother, smart but an asshole like his dad, and committed to being there for his family like his step dad. 

Imagine growing up from a baby to a grown ass adult with two sets of parents, yeah I can’t either. 

It’s funny how I get mad at people leaving me “to live a better life” as they say, instead of just being a decent human being. 

Honestly, I give them the tools, the resources, the motivation, and the courage to stand up for themselves. I guess that’s on me, standing up for yourself and being manipulative is a very fine line. There are more people out there now that would rather manipulate than try at anything. 

Speaking of not trying…

My son and his father are a duo pair! I literally got a call from Tyler, Treyson’s father, telling me I “needed to be a mother and go get our son”. 

Are you kidding me? To the man that was gone from our sons entire life, BY CHOICE. 

I told him I raised a boy until he was sixteen and he walked out of my house by choice. If anything, its now his turn to turn that boy into a man. He also had the audacity to tell me that him and his mother had a great idea, I “should sell my house, go get our son, and we live in Odessa, TX with Tyler”.

First response to him was “your mother should keep my fucking name out of her mouth”. I kept my composure, not sure why, I just explained to him that I’m never going to take care of anyone else. That I have ignored my wants and needs my entire life, now it’s about me.