My time

Matt has “finally been able to understand where I come from as an empath, feeling everyone else’s emotions and absorbing their negativity”. He’s pointed out that after we spent the night together “you’re physically exhausted, I can tell by looking at you”. He pointed out that he feels  that I might be absorbing his negativity that he absorbed from work, family, life, etc. Now he’s worried he’s bringing me down and here I am having the perfect day, with perfect weather, and a perfect attitude. 

Maybe that is the reason we feel this pull towards each other. Maybe when he finally controls the positive vibes around him, we can truly see what this is. I truly think everyone has connections to people, some weak, some strong. Matt and I are both empaths, we could be trauma bonded, or he could be “my person”, or my best friend. I am willing to enjoy time together and watch him go through all the emotions of his foreseeable future. 

I can say “future” because he’s right back to where he was when we met, over two years ago. He put himself, with her manipulation black window voodoo, in this position again and I’m not here to be his hero, or his partner, I’m only here to enjoy our time, let him lean on me when needed. This is what I did for my dad as well, but this time I was way too invested at the wrong time. 

Some people may thing I just want the sexual attention, but in reality I want ALL OF THE ATTENTION! When I was young, I wanted the traditional family with the traditional job and friends. I wanted it so bad I craved it and was so determined to have that traditional life. As years go on, I am the one left alone, each and every time. I build up the people around me and where are they now? I get caught up in helping others and just move on to helping the next. 

This time I want partnership, equality on both sides, expectations in place to help each other. Malea and I may or may not have that, but after over 20 years of friendship we can. We are both in a position we CAN help each other, now is the time to “shit or get off the pot”. We have always called each other out, we’ve had our disagreements, but at the end we were still there for each other. 

Today is a day I am currently happy with all my decisions and that’s all that counts. We live to predict the future all while our lives to flashing by. Can you honestly say today that you can die happy, blissful, at ease? I can and its enlightening, energizing, inspiring. I don’t want this to be just about sex, but also about fun, laughing, spreading positivity and how I can do it best in my way. 

Matt called to tell me about his call with his mom, she called to talk about her call with his sister. Here we fucking go, the gossip is back! I completely understand reactions people are going to have, questions they want answers to, understanding the real why. I am now being called a “porn star” and I only have 15 subscribers in just a few days. I can’t wait to see what they come up with when I hit 400, my goal by March 2026. 

Well, well, well….I just had an Exit interview and man did it feel good to be 100% honest. Doesn’t matter that call doesn’t help me with anything, but hopefully it will help Nabiha. She’s smart and can probably handle that job on her own anyways, better than Ester ever could. I even sent them the video (faced down) I recorded when Ester “wanted to talk”, knowing I would catch her ass, and I did for those that can actually want to hear the manipulation. 

This is the first time I left a job proud of myself and now to have my side heard was relieving in a way. I provided details to them that should make an impact, but ultimately the ball is in their court.

It’s been a few days, been sitting on a lot (LOL pun intended) and everything seems so simple, so calm, so blissful. Today is December 18th, 2025 and I’ve been sitting on my balcony in a tank top and boyshorts, its 70 degrees and the breeze is just perfect. The sounds around me, people around me hustling and busseling while I take in the perfect weather for my perfect job. I get to enjoy everything around me, in my time. There is no demand of me, no expectations of me, no stress or worries. 

I can be me 1000% of the time left in my life, how many people to truly say that? I don’t hold back, not to Matt, Malea, or anyone that speaks to me. They want to know the real me. Those that support at a distance is still support and I acknowledge those that do! I don’t ask people to accept me, let alone my “job”, I don’t ask people for anything.

There is nothing anyone can do to stop me in believing in myself, to push my dreams, to want something more out of life. 

I know many people have a belief, many about the Bible, or they called “word of God”. But who the fuck is this God that gave us choices? Who is this “God” that says we can’t be a decent person and not go by “his word”. What’s wrong with doing the “out of the ordinary”? When did we all become this “rule follower” of our own lives?

Everyone has their desires, beliefs, even wants. Who is really around to tell us that sex with multiple partners is wrong? And, Why? Multiple partners gives you experience, every individual is different. For example, Matt is sensitive, wants intimacy, Daddy, magical secret guy, is rough, likes it hard, tight, with no intimacy. 

I’m living for me, not for someone that wrote a book thousands of years ago when women were stoned for their infidelities. Isn’t that because they lied and cheated to get what they desired? What happened to just being honest, open minded, and just down right having fun?

Last night with Matt technically wasn’t the first time having sex with two men in less than 24 hours. The difference this time, I’m madly in love with one and the other is teaching me new things. The time before, I was single and both times were just sex, just fun and nothing more. Honestly, what’s wrong with that?

What happened to “being free” to make your own choices and not have people ridicule you for being honest? I’ve had many friends, or connections, throughout my life. Some of them “work connections”, some “random connections”, some “learning connections”. We all go through life differently, why do we all have to have the same “rules” for our lives?

Maybe that is my problem with “the word of God”. It’s a box people put themselves in to feel protection, reassured, guidelines to live a decent life. Aren’t you bored of that box? Are you curious of the endless possibilities in this world? Stop looking for someone to “follow”, make yourself the leader in your own life. 

I do have other peoples concerns about my choices….NO, fuck that. 

There’s only one person I have 100% respect for and that’s my dad. So, I called him up, told him I walked out of my bullshit, drama filled, corporate job to peruse Onlyfans full time. Now my dad is just getting the hang of his iPhone, Facebook and TikTok. So, I‘m not worried about him seeing my content, but out of respect, I need to let him know to prepare for the negativity we can’t control. 

In a way, yes, my forty year old ass called my dad to “get his blessing” to make sexual content as my full time job. My dad is the best dad and I can always count on him to support me in literally anything I want to do. No dad ever wants to hear their daughters naked pictures and videos are out there for the world to see. At the same time, my dad has seen me do the best that I can with the things that are handed to me. I tried, just like I did with Trey, but this isn’t giving up, this is changing the mindset. 

This is 100% about me, not anyone else, it’s about my happiness. What I enjoy, what I want out of life, what I put out into the world is only on me. I have officially started the process of becoming a “social media queen” with endless possibilities! It’s scares the fuck out of me, but that’s the best part! If it scares you….DO IT!! I’ve had some of the best times saying Yes to something that scared the fuck out of me. 

Prime example, Matt came over yesterday to talk about us, even though we haven’t been together. He showed up at 9am and we talked a full eight hours on our current situations. Neither of us wanted or liked what each other had to say, but we respected each other. Our relationship has never been “normal” by any means. 

We both got an understanding of what we’ve been through the past few months without each other. We are drawn towards each other, we can’t let this go. Some people think we are crazy, which we are. What’s wrong with doing the crazy thing? What’s wrong doing the non-traditional thing?

So, I cried, I puked, I debated if life was worth this much pain. Then I took a huge hit off my “illegal” cart and put on Imagine Dragons. Again, sounds fucking cheesy, but I felt their music spoke to me, almost like they knew what I was going through. Either way, I picked myself off the floor, I dragged myself out of the dark place and let the feeling of emotions wash through me. 

I know I don’t belong in a corporate world, I know the medical field is now just my past. I need to figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life. Get another job to have the same result? I’m sick of accommodating others instead of enjoying what I want. What do I want exactly?

I tried a few years ago to sell sexual content on Onlyfans and ended up being fired from the one job I never wanted to leave. I immediately deleted my Onlyfans account and went back to “by the book”. I have a degree, I need a job that will put that degree to use. 

Who the fuck am I kidding?! Fuck that degree, fuck the people who don’t respect me but expect respect in return. Fuck everything I was ever told about how my life should be. 

I am me, I am blunt, I am honest, I am open minded and accepting of others. I don’t need to demand respect, but I will remove myself from the disrespect out of my own respect. It makes sense, if you don’t think about it. I love sex, I love exploring sexual fantasies, I love that sex is fun, exciting, new with different people. I fucking love sex! 

I guess you could say I am like my mother in that aspect. The difference is that I don’t have to hide it, lie about it, or cheat to get it like my mother did. I can be open and honest about it, put it out there for the world to see. Accepting the good and bad that come with it. There will be people that won’t accept my new career or lifestyle.

I will lose friends, can’t lose anymore of my family, not many left. 

While sitting and listening, to get an understanding, I was receiving a  “verbal warning” for my ATTENDANCE and LOW PRODUCTIVITY. I immediately stopped them and restated what they just told me. I said, “well, I‘m not doing this with you (speaking to my manager), this is retaliation and I refuse to continue this with a target on my back for asking your manager (my managers manager) a simple question. You’ve been harassing me ever since and I don’t stand for retaliation”. I set my badge on my managers desk and walked out. 

At first, I was like “good for you, standing up for yourself”, then the five minute drive home I started to freak out. But once I got home, changed clothes and decided I won’t let them ruin my day. I went tanning and decided a pedicure was definitely needed! Now home to cancel some appointments and write just to help get it off my mind. Once my nails are fully dry, I plan on doing SOMETHING today!! 

Well, I didn’t do shit except go down a very dark hole of “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”. The rabbit hole of “what ifs” that drain your soul, at the extent that you want to give up. That night took a turn I wasn’t expecting. I reached out to those I’m comfortable with to being emotional drama psycho with. Fortunately, for them and myself, I didn’t get any responses until I got desperate enough to call Tyler. Yes, the father of my son, that at the moment he “has his shit together”. He was and will always be a great talker, he can encourage anyone to do anything, when he’s positive and in a good place. 

He did answer and immediately hung up due to being in the middle of the night and the poor bastard had to be up at 4am for work.

Goes to show me that it wasn’t about reaching out to anyone. It was more about needing someone to tell me “not to”. Not to…let myself get caught up in this dark time, another day will come, this will too be in the past. 

Today Granny, Matt’s grandmother, passed away. He had emailed me about her going on hospice on Saturday. I had thought about going to see her, but he mentioned she wasn’t coherent. I decided my last memories of her were the best memories to have and keep. I like that memories of her were happy, like when we went on vacation to Galveston. 

It’s weird to sit here and think Granny has it made now, she’s not in this hell we call life. I wonder if she is happy or maybe nothing. I more hope for the nothing personally, nothing to see, hear, feel, smell, just nothing. If you’ve ever watched Supernatural, they talk about the “nothing” where angels go when they die. People may see that as crazy to want “nothing” after life, especially if they are religious. 

Update, as of two days ago I was hospitalized for numbness in both arms, chest and partial numbness in my face. Went to the closet emergency room, which happened to be not equipped for “possible strokes”. They transferred me to a bigger hospital in Plano, which specializes in strokes. My feelings during all this, nothing, no emotions whatsoever. So, numbness in physical and emotional, but I didn’t inform them of my lack of emotions. I guess part of me was like, ok maybe I did have a stroke. You know that STRESS can cause strokes, it can if you let it!

I missed two days of work to “get an MRI” and instead received six injections in the back of my head that released the pain of the pressure and the numbness in my body, not my emotions, and sent home.

I wake up on Friday, 12/12, and go into work with a positive attitude! Until, my manager wants to “discuss our Tuesday discussion”. The discussion was “resolved, and don’t want to discuss any further”, is what she said to me and Nabiha. Don’t ask me why Nabiha was involved, I don’t understand any of this. 

Today I get instructed by my manager about NO OVERTIME. Even though they fired the girl training me, had to take on her responsibilities. Then decided to go ahead and also give me another job that two other people cover, so they can move on to other responsibilities. I question the overtime with my manager and get the same response, Strictly NO OVERTIME. I mention this many times and get no other options, ideas, nothing but “no overtime, forty hours or less”.

So, I casually ask her manager what the issue is regarding me having overtime, or maybe my job (with new responsibilities) should be re-evaluated to be an exempt employee. She actually agreed and said she would get with my manger about it. My manger took it personally, narcissists usually take everything personally because its all about them, always and forever. My manager called me that evening and I immediately got a no, we will just take things from you for now until you think you are ready. 

I feel like I‘m back talking to Matt, explaining my situation, my workload, asking questions, and I get no support. It’s immediately, fine we’ll “do this instead”. What happened to listening to people, not jumping to conclusions you haven’t thought through yet?!  What happened to taking the time to actually understand? Why is everyone so reactive rather than understanding and coming up with a logical plan?

This mother fucker really knows how to keep me pissed the fuck off. 

Why do I still think he can be a friend to me after he’s treated me? How did he become the victim in his head?? He was the one cheating on me for two years with his ex-wife. But I‘m the crazy bitch that can’t get over shit. 

Anyways, an unexpected event happened today, I signed to close on the house. I still had no feelings, I faked being happy about it. In some way I am, glad I‘m out from under that debt, I can get my shit together now. But other than that, nothing, not happy, not sad, just nothing. Even now, hours later, I still feel absolutely nothing.

Maybe that’s a good thing?

If I’m really being honest with myself, I was more worried about seeing Matt on my way home. I signed papers in Arlington, near the airport, where his latest project was. Every fucking gray car my heart would sink. I can’t tell if I want to see him or actually try and avoid from seeing him. Maybe both, it is post-full moon, there’s that. 

Fuck me! Every time I stand up for myself, not in a rude way, just a casual conversation about what I’m dealing with, and I get bullshit in return. I stand up for myself with Trey, Matt, anyone in my personal life and get same results.

Now, I have to deal with it at work as well? Let’s get into it shall we.